Oh no you didn't
by JammyWammy
Summary: [Humor fic][Oneshot]We have heard Reno complain about Cloud being heavy in Advent Children, but what really happened to him before he was able to carry the blonde hero home successfully? Rated for language.


**Disclaimer: I don't own final fantasy**

 **Rated for language. :D**

Everybody in the city of Edge went on about their business, casually passing by some squirming and groaning victims of the dreaded disease in the name of Geostigma. Two years after meteor fall, the planet's crisis didn't stop, more people are still dying, poverty is still there and a lot of orphaned children are wondering in the streets, fighting for their survival. But despite the pain and misery that the world's greatest madman named Sephiroth left behind, it was nothing compared to the upcoming crisis that two people wandering about in sector 6 in the Midgar ruins.

"So I said, bitch, think you can handle all of me? Imma break your hip with my-"

"Uggghhh." Rude ignored the red head who was chatting up a storm about his 'sexcapades' the previous night.

"When I tore off that top I thought I was gonna be knocked back from the size of those things yo. It wiggled like jellies and sandwiched my face like a panini-"

"Shut up about them jellies man." The bald man was losing his patience.

"She squeeled in delight when I told her that Uncle Reno the womb rider is comin' to pussytown-"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Why so grumpy baldy-poo? You need to get laid." Rude sighed. The red head opened his mouth to speak but stopped when the both saw a familiar motorcycle that was park at the old church.

"Cloud is in there? Man, is he still hung up with that Cetra girl? Well that'll be good news for you buddy, you have your chance with Tifa yo."

"Shut up." He blushed.

They decided to take a peek inside and look for the blonde warrior.

"Hmmmm... Must be out the-" He was cut off.

"Reno!" Rude started running forward.

"What the." He followed his companion only to find two people lying on the bed of flowers.

"Are they finally dead yo?" Rude slapped the back of Reno's head.

"Can't you see them breathing? " He was still in a bad mood because of Reno's motormouth before.

"We better get them home yo." He looked at both the unconscious forms of Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart then grinned sinisterly. "I'll carry spike and you carry Tifa, Baldy."

Rude looked at him but didn't object then started carrying the woman in bridal style with ease.

"You look like newly weds, bet you're imagining carrying her home unto your bed and rip her clothes off like an animal that you really are yo." Reno said grinning. Rude's glasses fell to his nose.

"Oh no you just didn't." Rude said in his deep voice while Reno cackled.

"You're lucky that I have my hands full or I'll be shoving your night stick up your ass." Rude said and Reno cackled again.

"Oh yes... You really have your hands full right there." Reno said as he raised both hands in front of him then did movements like he was groping something.

"What..." That's all the bald man could say. Reno was not gonna shut his mouth. "Just carry him will you?" He sighed, he was exhausted, mentally anyway. Reno held his hands up in surrender.

"Alright alright." He bent down to lay Cloud on his back to carry him, well, he attempted to but as he lift the warrior in his arms, they both heard a loud crack.

"Holy fucking hell! Oh my back! Shit shit!" Reno exclaimed while Rude just stared at him, still not processing what was happening. " The fucker's heavy yo!" That's when Rude started a rumbling laugh.

"Karma is a bitch, YO." Then he started retreating with Tifa.

"Whoa hey wait! Where you going baldy! You gotta help me! My back's stuck!" He tried to straighten up but he felt nothing but pain, and misery. "Ah hell no! Hey don't run away! Your best friend's in agony here, what the fuck?!" Rude just continued walking away. "If you don't come back and help me, I will tell Tifa how much you've been crushing on her like a school boy and you've been groping her ass and tits while you carried her home yo!" That made Rude stop and slowly faced his offender.

"You will not." He said calmly but his insides were burning.

"Yes I will!" Another crack. "Ow! Oh my GOD!" He screamed the last word in agony. "JUST FUCKING HELP ME YO!" He howled like a mad man. Rude couldn't help but grin in a lopsided manner and nod his head in approval as he see Reno the usual tormentor be the tormented one this time. And he wasn't even doing anything.

"Fine." He went back to the flower bed and gently laid down Tifa before he went over to his partner in crime who was still bent over. He positioned himself behind the red head and rubbed his hands together.

"I know I'm sexy but don't you dare shove your meat rod in my-"

"Do you want my help or not?" Rude was losing his patience, again. Reno will NEVER shut up.

He grabbed Reno's arms from behind then slowly lifted him up while the red head kept voicing his pain repeatedly, when he was a little straightened up, The bald man positioned his knee on the red head's lower back then pulled him up suddenly. A loud crack and a tormented howl of pain echoed throughout the ruins that made the dogs bark and the birds spread and fly up in fear.

The red head didn't move from his position even if Rude weren't holding him anymore. His arms were bent backwards, his back arched, his head looking up and his mouth was opened in a silent scream. Rude was starting to think that his companion had died while standing up.

The bald man was about to speak when he saw the red head lower his arms and head slowly. Bent his back a little backward and they heard another soft crack.

"That's better yo!" Rude shook his head.

"I'll carry Cloud and you carry Tifa." Rude was about to pick up the blonde when Reno spoke.

"No no, I'll carry Cloud on my back, to regain some of my precious dignity yo." Rude grinned and was at the verge of laughing.

"Alright." He bent down to pick Tifa up when Reno spoke again.

"You will not say a word of this yo." Then Rude sported a victory smile on his face. He can finally get Reno to shut up in the future.


End file.
